Tommy the strategist

Tommy is Carol‘s strategist. He sees each small mistake as a deliberate attack on Christian decency, and he always wants to get out in front of it.

He turned Deb‘s flubbed pledge of allegiance into a Tea Party protest, with help from Ludwig. Then he had Ramon condemn the protest, in all caps. He checks his facts on Wikipedia, before he finalizes anything.

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#34. Out of hand

March 22, 2010

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TOMMY: This is out of HAND. A guy is waving a pig fetus, in blackface, with a sign saying "Obama's birth was an inside job".

RAMON: The GUY'S in blackface or the PIG is?
TOMMY: Does it MATTER? We just need to distance ourselves from this protest.

RAMON: We set UP the protest.
TOMMY: No... No, no one can PROVE that. This was technically a GRASSROOTS event. We'll just condemn it.

TOMMY: Twitter a statement, Ramon. And use ALL CAPS.
RAMON: My God... The NUCLEAR OPTION.

#26. On the way to the protest

February 25, 2010

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TOMMY: Carol, this is Ludwig, he's with the Tea Partiers. He'll be introing you at the protest.
CAROL: Thanks for your support.
LUDWIG: I support no one!

TOMMY: So we'll open by calling Rep. Geminari an ATHEIST.
CAROL: Oh, will Deb be there?
LUDWIG: Demand to see her church certificate!

TOMMY: Yes, we'll be outside her office.
CAROL: Oh, how NICE! I can return her crockpot.
LUDWIG: The revolution begins in the lion's den!

LUDWIG: Hey, can our folks set up booths to sell shirts and pins?
TOMMY: Sure, I'll get the permit.

#23. How to act at the protest

February 18, 2010

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TOMMY: I want to go over how you Tea Partiers ACT at the protest.
LUDWIG: Sir, I don't CONTROL them. They're free to do or say what they want.

TOMMY: CERTAINLY. I'm just talking about FOCUS. I'd hate to have too many messages MUDDLE things.
LUDWIG: Well, I can't promise that. We've got a LOT of problems with this government.

TOMMY: (sigh) OK... I guess my real question is... how RACIST are these signs going to be?
LUDWIG: Oh, not too racist. A few Photoshopped PIMP HATS. That's it.

TOMMY: GOOD, because I'd love it if we could keep it to just... fun, CARTOONISH racism.
LUDWIG: Oh, yes sir. No SWASTIKAS. Well... Bert's coming. Maybe ONE swastika.

#21. Press conference is now a protest

February 14, 2010

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TOMMY: Change of plans. Your press conference is now gonna be a protest.
CAROL: OK. What do I do different?

TOMMY: Same speech. You'll just yell more.
CAROL: I should probably POINT a lot, too.

TOMMY: Protests are strictly business casual.
CAROL: "HELLO! I'm Carol GEMINARI! I want to THANK you all for BEING here!"

#20. A damn truck

February 12, 2010

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RAMON: The Dems are going "no drama", Tommy.
TOMMY: How hard are they pushing it?

RAMON: They just sent out a picture of her speedwalking.
TOMMY: This is our opening for the church certificate thing. Let's drive a damn TRUCK through it.

RAMON: You get some protestors?
TOMMY: Oh, I might've made a few anonymous posts on a few Glenn Beck fansites.

RAMON: Ugh... TEA PARTIERS?
TOMMY: Yes, Ramon... When you need to take a MOLEHILL and turn it into a MOUNTAIN of batshit... there's just no one better.

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